WT-PMS

16 May

Yes, I’m premenstrual and it’s got me thinking. (Men, don’t stop reading – consider this your free education session – you might learn something useful).

Is it not bad enough that we have to deal with getting our period every month?Worse than that, is all the crap that comes along with it – bloating, breast tenderness, food cravings, headaches, less tolerance for noises/lights/people, fatigue, feeling sad and hopeless, mood swings, poor judgement, feeling slow/sluggish/lethargic and loss of sex drive.  I’m not sure which of these would be classified as the worst symptoms to endure but depending on who you ask, each woman would give you a different opinion.  What amazes me, is that most men (and some women) have yet to learn how to deal with a woman with PMS. Having a business partner who’s cycle goes to the extreme(thankfully she’s not PMSing as I write this), I thought I’d share some advice with you.

Here’s a short list of the fun stuff women go through every 23-28 days:

Symptom: Bloating
What SHE might say:  I feel so fat!!! or Does my ass look huge in this?
What you should NOT say: You are looking a little puffy or You might want to put on something else.
Possible result: TEARS

Symptom: Breast Tenderness
What SHE might say: My boobs are killing me
What YOU should NOT say:  Want me to massage them?  (the last thing we want you doing when our boobs hurt is touching them)
Possible Result: SMACK in the Face

Symptom:  Headache
What SHE might say: Honey, I have such a headache or I think I have a brain tumor (it recently took me 3 months to realize that every 3-4 weeks my excruciating headache was linked to my period.  Thankfully, I talked myself out of getting an MRI).
What you should NOT say: Oh, that excuse again.
Definite Result: No Sex

Symptom:  Mood Swings
What SHE might say: The list here is endless.  Basically, anything off beat that she doesn’t normally say that includes a heightened level of drama or emotion.
What YOU should say: Anything you can think of that will make her feel better, less emotional and more secure
What you should NOT say: Anything that will get you in the dog house.  You may just want to stand there and smile sweetly like a Mute.  Bringing home flowers might help too.  Wouldn’t kill you men to do that every once in a while.
Possible Result: Death stare or Stabbing

Symptom:  Lack of Sex Drive
What SHE might say: Get the fuck off of me or Go Fuck YOURSELF
What YOU should say: Ok, I will.  (Then leave the room as quickly as possible.  Grab some lotion and a towel on your way out.)
What you should NOT say: I think we should talk about our lack of a sex life, unless you count the weeks you were reading those 50 Shades books. (Sorry, couldn’t possibly have a post without mentioning it.)
Possible Result:  NO SEX EVER AGAIN

A few other tips and tidbits:

— PMS can last anywhere from 5 – 11 days before the cycle begins – fun fun fun.

— If you’re in an office (or prison cell) with more than 5 women, most cycles will sync to the dominant woman in the office.  Shockingly, that’s not me in my office.  The scientific term for this is Menstrual Synchrony or the McClintock Effect.  (I swear, look it up on wiki).

— Don’t try to have difficult conversations or conversations in general that would fall above a 3 on the difficulty scale, especially if you’re hoping to get your way.  Chances are, she will beat you down and come close to stabbing you if you push her too far.  I’ve actually heard (and I don’t have a true source to reference on this so take it with a grain of salt) that you could use PMS as a defense tactic if you hurt or kill someone during your cycle.  Again, conduct your own research before you consider doing anything rash.

—  Don’t ask for sex, unless you want to lose a limb.  If she wants it, she’ll come to you.  I have heard that some women are more aroused once their period begins but every woman is different so try to find out if this is the case with your significant other.   See previous statement about avoiding difficult conversations.

For my female readers, here are a few tips for dealing with your PMS (keep in mind I do my research on google and have no formal medical degree):
— Go on vacation.  Just kidding.  Nobody wants to be in a bathing suit when their monthly friend is in town.
— Drink plenty of fluids (not soda or caffeine) – helps reduce bloating.  Nobody mentioned avoiding alcohol so feel free to drink as much wine as you like.
— Eat frequent small meals, avoid overeating – this mean you can eat chocolate cookies, chocolate bars or anything containing chocolate about every 3 hours throughout the day
— Take Supplements – Vitamin B6, Calcium and Magnesium.  Tryptophan, found in diary can also help.
— Exercise – Endorphins, Endorphins, Endorphins.  They also make you horney. FYI.

One last note to leave you with: (some of it’s funny and some of it’s stupid)

— WTHayley

4 Responses to “WT-PMS”

  1. craig May 16, 2012 at 4:07 pm #

    Im sorry i stopped listening after bloating ….what were you complaining about?…. lol

  2. Stephanie May 16, 2012 at 10:14 pm #

    This was awesome Hayley!!! I absolutely loved it!

  3. Craig Grayson May 17, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    So glad I’m a man

  4. Chris May 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    “– Exercise – Endorphins, Endorphins, Endorphins. They also make you horney. FYI” hmmm… I think I mentioned this to someone a couple days ago….hmmm…

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