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Free Refills

11 Jul

Why is it more people have not heard of this phrase?  I’d love to give a shout out to the person that introduced me to it but for the life of me, I can’t remember.  If you want to stake your claim, feel free to do so in the comment section of this post.  I’m happy to give credit where credit is due.

Let me explain.  A friend was sharing a story the other morning on the train about a girl that had claimed she had sex with him in college.  The guy on the other hand, was 100% certain that he had never touched her.  Not because she was ugly or anything – it just never happened.  As a side not, I’m not quite sure what girl claims to have sex with someone she actually never had sex with – like a self proclaimed slut – Weirder?   Anyway, this guy runs into the girl again a few years later – he’s single/she’s single.  Uh-huh!!!!  He’s thinking… this should be easy – she already thinks she had sex with me so either she wants to ‘fulfill the lie’ or she enjoyed it so much in her imagination that she’ll want it again.  So I said ‘Ha, who doesn’t want a free refill???‘  CRICKETS.  Nobody, among the 6 person train crew, knew WTH a free refill was, so I explained….

FREE REFILL – having intercourse with someone you’ve already intercoursed with.
Explanation: You don’t have to count it again.  Not another ‘notch on your belt’, ‘name on your list’, whatever you call want to call it.  It’s a repeat, a do-over, a freebie – hence, it’s a Free Refill.

The train crew loved it so much that they felt I should share my catch phrase with the rest of the world (or my 150 FB fans).  I’m not sure Free Refills are that big of a deal these days but the older you get, the harder they are to find.

-WTH

P.S. Stay Tuned…. Tough Mudder is on Saturday.  I’ll be Tweeting up a storm pre and post race.  Not sure my phone will make it through the mud.  If you don’t currently follow me, you can start now by clicking this link: https://twitter.com/hayleybyer

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A Day of WTHayley

20 Jun

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When people say “How was your day?”, do you ever really tell them how your day was or do you just give the typical response of “It was good”? Someone asked me this yesterday and it got me thinking about how my day really was and what it entailed. I then outlined my day in my head and thought I’d share this fun, slightly long, poem with you.

3am I hear a noise
Jack just tripped on all her toys
Getting up to make a pee
Once again, waking me
Back in bed and fall asleep
6am I hear a peep
The 4 yr old is getting up
She wants some milk in her cup
Leave me alone, I still have time
Milky Milky, she starts to wine
I stand my ground and make her wait
6:30 alarm, I can’t be late

Out of bed, shower and dress
Make the bed and clean the mess
Kids are playing, I make their beds
Brushes their teeth and comb their heads
Marley wants to wear a dress
It’s only 62, I try to stress
A dress she wants and starts to mope
I pick my battles to try and cope
Get them dressed and down the stairs
Pick out breakfast, “Get in your chairs”
Cereal for them and Coffee for me
My ride is here, kisses and leave

Get on train with my morning crew
Try to talk about something new
Open ipad, Words with Friends
This fucking game, it never ends
Need new Blog, I start to write
Writers Block, I’ll try tonight

Get to Penn and begin my stroll
Pick up ‘Bucks and Egg on Roll
Get to office, first one there
Eat my food, fix my hair
Check my email, lots of spam
Another client in a Jam
Make some calls and start the day
Check my Facebook, then music I play

Meetings, meetings back to back
Ugh, so glad I packed a snack
Status meeting starts at One
Another meeting, need to run
Tell the staff to do their work
Get on phone and yell at Jerk
3:00 I’m feeling beat
Holy shit, I forgot to eat
Finish work to catch the 5pm
Running late, Rush to Penn
Find a seat and hitch a ride
Home to girls, smiles so wide

Play some games, read some books
Dress up time with fancy looks
Brush their teeth and make them Pee
If not, 3am, Jack i’ll see
Tuck them into their warm beds
Give them kisses on their heads
Read 3 books and still want more
Good night moon or Fancy Nancy’s galore
7:30 – Kids in bed and lights are dim
Change my clothes and head to gym
Treadmill, stairs and lift some weight
Ugh, I’m tired, it’s getting late
Need to hit the Stop and Shop
Out of juice and Ice Pop
9:00 – Make some dinner, clean the dish
No work emails? Yeah right, I wish

Pack kids lunches, shower and shave
Jacks out of bed, she doesn’t behave
Back to compter, make To-Do list
Now Marley’s up, I’m getting pissed
Finally they’re down and out
I’m getting sleepy, and worn out
11:30 – Get in bed for 30 Rock
Don’t forget to set the clock
Head on pillow, hit the hay
And wake tomorrow for another day.

–WTH

Firm or Limp?

18 Jun

What’s the first thing you do when you meet someone new?  Reach out your hand and give them a shake, right?  And what goes through your mind when the hand reaching back to you is as flappy and limp as skirt steak?

What does a handshake say about a personality or character?  A lot more than you think it does.

RIGHT                                                                                            WRONG

Men: There is nothing sexy about a man that doesn’t shake a womans hand with a firm grip.  Unless you’re going medieval on us and you’re going to raise it to your lips and kiss it, if you aren’t giving a firm solid shake, you’re are either lacking self confidence, have no dignity or someone’s cut your balls off.  The exception to this rule is if you’re meeting an elderly woman who seems a little frail, go lighter on her but not too light, you don’t want grandma thinking some woman has emasculated you.

What about the man with the handshake that’s a little too harsh?  Is he trying to overcompensate for some other shortcoming?  (Hmmmm) Trying to make you feel beneath him?  Does he even realize he’s giving you his kung fu grip?  Men, I’m curious to hear your answers to this one.  What exactly are you trying to prove when you try to crush a woman’s hand during a shake?

And ladies, it’s the dawn of a new age.  Men aren’t kissing your hand so when you reach out, whether you’re shaking a man or woman’s hand, don’t hand them the tips of your limp little fingers… get in there, grab it, show some strength and be FIRM, make eye contact and don’t hold it for more than a few seconds.   (I’m still referring to the handshake here)  If you are in the business world, even more of a reason – show you’ve got some balls.  G-d didn’t give us a penis to hold, so you’d better be able to hold your own.  (Pun very much intended)

Speaking of ladies holding their own, years ago when I was in the advertising world, I discovered what I still refer to as my Work Bible.  It was a book written by a very funny author named Karen Salmansohn.  The book was titled “How to succeed in business without a Penis”.  If you’re a working woman (and can handle the overuse of the word Penis), no matter what age, do yourself a favor a get this book – you’ll be doing Karen a favor too since I’m not sure how many people are still reading it.  It’s funny, enlightening and educational.  This has been my public service announcement of today.

— WTHayley

TGFM – Thank G-d For Monday

2 Apr

I’ve been trying to figure out what to write about as my second ‘coming-out’ blog post.  Well, today provided me with some good amunition (I said good, not great, so don’t let this one deter you from ‘Following Me’).

I spent a lovely evening in the city last night for a friends 40th birthday.  The party started at 7pm and by 10:30 we were getting kicked out of the party room for the next party to set up. (That’s when the people in their 20’s rented the place out – depressing, eh?)  Knowing that Sunday was going to be a day of full on ‘motherhood’ with no help, no breaks in the action, no back up or quiet time, I decided to be a responsible adult/mother and convinced myself around 10pm that I should stop with the cocktails and have an early night.

While blissfully enjoying my heightened anabolic state, I was jolted awake at 4am by my ‘needing to use the potty’ 2 yr old, followed by a 6:30 wake up from my 4 yr old wondering ‘mommy, is it too early to ask you to use your iPad’. (Side bar: my 4 yr old will stand next to the bed breathing loudly and making little noises until you ‘wake up on your own’ to her face so close to yours that it literally scares the shit out of me every time)  So much for a restful night.  The day didn’t get much better – crankiness, tantrums, excessive snacking – and then there were my kids.

I finally had enough, put the kids to bed early, poured myself a glass of wine, turned the laundry over and sat down on the couch to snuggle up with the last chapter of  my favorite BDSM character, Christian Grey.  (For those of you who are living in a bubble and have not yet heard of the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy by E.L. James – Christian is the heat-in-the-sheets in many women’s bedrooms these days.  And there was no way I could possibly make another post without mentioning him).   Needless to say, I didn’t get through the first line when I hear the little one at the top of the stairs crying for me.  I emerge to find her soaked in peepee from head to toe, bed saturated and her favorite blankie in desperate need of a spin cycle.   Can’t wait to get back to work tomorrow.   Thank g-d for Monday.  WTH!

What The Hayley

22 Mar

Welcome to What The Hayley.  I was sitting in the bathroom at work just now and I decided that I need to start a blog.  Why?  Here are my reasons:

1) I have a lot to say and think people might want to hear it

2) I can be pretty funny sometimes

3) One of my new years resolutions for 2012 is ‘to get published’ and here I am (does this count?)

A little about me that you might want to know….
I am a Mother (of 2 gorgeous little girls).  Grew up on the South Shore of Long Island in a beach town with two older brothers – I think this is where I learned to be a cool chick.  I love anything outdoors – biking, hiking, water sports – but my biggest love in life is Skiing (in Utah).  I love my wine, dancing, partying, fun with friends, great food and amazing desserts(key to heart).  I’ve had my own business for 10 years and we’re still standing strong.  I love what I do and find it challenging every single day.  I’m grounded, have incredible family values and embrace all that life has to offer. (I might throw up on myself now)  Enough…. read my blog and you’ll learn more about me.

Before I forget, my funny story of the day is this….
As I mentioned, I was just in the bathroom – literally 3 minutes ago.  It’s an office bathroom shared by my 12 employees and the legal offices across the hall from us.  Every now and then, I’ll have to go so bad that I can’t be bothered to tear off a few strips of paper to line the seat so I’ll just sit.(i know, gross!!)  Within seconds, I’m usually regretting it when I think of the overweight (i’m being nice since this is my first post) guy across the hall that might have put his ass down moments before me.   Today, when I entered the bathroom my ‘I HAVE TO GO’ index was about a 4, leaving plenty of time to line the seat.  (Tangent: Why the FUCK can’t men put the damn seat down.  Thankful that we only have three in the office but I believe that not one of them ever considers it.  I promise to focus on this in a future blog and even conduct interviews from my small sampling of the male species in my office to find out why).  Back to the point…  So as I was lining the seat, I noticed that in front of the bowl was a small puddle of what I have to assume was someone’s ‘MISS’, leading me to ponder how this happens.  Either your stomach is so fat that you can’t see over it, your penis is so small that you have trouble aiming it or you just don’t give a fuck if you hit or miss.  WTH!

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