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WT Horney

16 Oct

Sorry if you’ve missed me.  Maybe I need more followers to feel the need to do more posts.  (Look to the right and sign up for the email version of my blog.  I promise I wont spam you)

(PS -I’m testing titles to see what generates more hits – stay tuned for the results.  I have a good feeling about this one)

I’ve had a few discussions recently with some girls friends, not to be named of course, and believe it or not, we talk about sex probably as much as men do.  However, when we discuss it, there is a huge discrepancy between the married sex life and the single sex life.  Single women don’t have a problem with ‘not wanting it’ because when they get it, they are happy to have it.  However, the married sex life for 99% of people that I know, is based on a few key things.  The woman wants it when…..  she’s in the mood, the credit card bill has arrived (I have one friend that refers to this as Amex-Sex) or it’s been so long that she’s got no choice but to do it or she’ll end up in an argument with her hubby.

And after polling a few ladies to find out exactly what it is that makes them want to have sex with their husbands, I’ve come to a few conclusions.  Guys, I know that I’ve got plenty of male fans out there that want to know how to get more sex out of their wives/girlfriends so you can thank me for this later.  (Ladies, don’t be angry with me this should help you out as well).  Here’s what I’ve uncovered.

There are a few categories that most, not all, married females fall into.  It’s all about women WANTING.  What do we want you ask?  Well, some of us want ‘things – material things, while others want things done for us – like helping out around the house, making arrangements or taking the kids off of our hands.  Then there are those of us that want to hear how good we look, how sexy we are or how much you ‘want’ us and don’t forgot those of us that want some physical connection – hand holding, a snuggle or smooch.  Last but not least are those of us that want to spend time with the ones we love.  Most importantly, is that you, as the MAN, need to know which category your significant other falls into.  While it’s not always about what WE want, it’s also about you not doing basically everything that YOU want to do.  Time at home, means time alone.  If you want some time to yourself guys, put in the time at home.  Not so hard.  Want to play poker one night?  Bring her some flowers(or expensive jewels), bathe the kids, tell her she looks pretty, plan a date night.  We’re not complicated if you can just figure us out.  Is that an oxymoron?  LOL.  Also, don’t be a dumb ass, know what the signs are for ‘I’m not in the fucking mood no matter what you do’.

WE ARE Cyclical:  Women are on a cycle, as you all very well know, and that gives us one week, give or take a few days, that we don’t want you near us.  While some of us use that as an excuse, it has been said that women are actually hornier when they are going through their cycle.  If your woman isn’t, then try her about 7-10 days later when she’s ovulating.  Our bodies are machines and our hormones ensure that we are giving off plenty of pheromones during the time we ovulate so that the male can sense it and come calling.  Some of you men, think you sense it all the time but that’s probably one of your issues.

In conclusion, spend some time tonight thinking about your ‘ significant other’ and trying to figure out what category they fit into.  It’s not just about us ladies, men fall into these categories too.

WTHayley

*Photo courtesy of Forbidden Fruit NYC 

WTHealthy

11 Aug

I know you’re not used to reading anything serious from me but I got this in an email and instead of forwarding to a few special people in my life, I figured I’d post for you all to see.  Everyday we hear about someone else that has cancer or has the cancer gene – people in their 20’s and 30’s are being affected  more and more, even children.  There are so many things we can incorporate into our lives day to day to help protect our bodies and avoid being another statistic.  I enjoyed reading this.  If you do as well, feel free to share the link. (I promise to follow this tomorrow or Monday with something much more entertaining :-))

Johns Hopkins Update
This is an extremely good article.

AFTER YEARS OF TELLING PEOPLE CHEMOTHERAPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRY (‘TRY’, BEING THE KEY WORD) TO ELIMINATE CANCER, JOHNS HOPKINS IS FINALLY STARTING TO TELL YOU THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE WAY .

Cancer Update from Johns Hopkins:

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they havemultiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patientsthat there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable
size.

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person’s lifetime.

3. When the person’s immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has
nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic,
but also to environmental, food and lifestyle factors.

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet to eat more adequately and healthy, 4-5 times/day and by including supplements will strengthen the immune system.

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing
cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastrointestinal tract etc., and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.

8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

9. When the body has too much toxic burden from
chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either
compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to
mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy.
Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

11. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply.

*CANCER CELLS FEED ON:

a. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc. are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses, but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in color Better alternative is Bragg’s aminos or sea salt.

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soy milk cancer cells are being starved.

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based
diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little other meat, like chicken. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole
grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C)..

e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high
caffeine Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer
fighting properties. Water-best to drink purified water, or
filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap
water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.

12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of
digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the
intestines becomes putrefied and leads to more toxic buildup.

13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By
refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes
to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the
body’s killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.

14. Some supplements build up the immune system
(IP6, Flor-ssence, Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body’s own killer cells to destroy cancer cells.. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body’s normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

15. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit.

A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior
be a survivor. Anger, un-forgiveness and bitterness put
the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to
have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated
environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to
get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.

1. No plastic containers in micro.

2. No water bottles in freezer.

3. No plastic wrap in microwave..

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Centeras well. Dioxin chemicals cause cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don’t freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic. Recently, Dr Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital , was on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrexor ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn’t bad but you don’t know what is in the paper. It’s just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON!!!!

A Day of WTHayley

20 Jun

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When people say “How was your day?”, do you ever really tell them how your day was or do you just give the typical response of “It was good”? Someone asked me this yesterday and it got me thinking about how my day really was and what it entailed. I then outlined my day in my head and thought I’d share this fun, slightly long, poem with you.

3am I hear a noise
Jack just tripped on all her toys
Getting up to make a pee
Once again, waking me
Back in bed and fall asleep
6am I hear a peep
The 4 yr old is getting up
She wants some milk in her cup
Leave me alone, I still have time
Milky Milky, she starts to wine
I stand my ground and make her wait
6:30 alarm, I can’t be late

Out of bed, shower and dress
Make the bed and clean the mess
Kids are playing, I make their beds
Brushes their teeth and comb their heads
Marley wants to wear a dress
It’s only 62, I try to stress
A dress she wants and starts to mope
I pick my battles to try and cope
Get them dressed and down the stairs
Pick out breakfast, “Get in your chairs”
Cereal for them and Coffee for me
My ride is here, kisses and leave

Get on train with my morning crew
Try to talk about something new
Open ipad, Words with Friends
This fucking game, it never ends
Need new Blog, I start to write
Writers Block, I’ll try tonight

Get to Penn and begin my stroll
Pick up ‘Bucks and Egg on Roll
Get to office, first one there
Eat my food, fix my hair
Check my email, lots of spam
Another client in a Jam
Make some calls and start the day
Check my Facebook, then music I play

Meetings, meetings back to back
Ugh, so glad I packed a snack
Status meeting starts at One
Another meeting, need to run
Tell the staff to do their work
Get on phone and yell at Jerk
3:00 I’m feeling beat
Holy shit, I forgot to eat
Finish work to catch the 5pm
Running late, Rush to Penn
Find a seat and hitch a ride
Home to girls, smiles so wide

Play some games, read some books
Dress up time with fancy looks
Brush their teeth and make them Pee
If not, 3am, Jack i’ll see
Tuck them into their warm beds
Give them kisses on their heads
Read 3 books and still want more
Good night moon or Fancy Nancy’s galore
7:30 – Kids in bed and lights are dim
Change my clothes and head to gym
Treadmill, stairs and lift some weight
Ugh, I’m tired, it’s getting late
Need to hit the Stop and Shop
Out of juice and Ice Pop
9:00 – Make some dinner, clean the dish
No work emails? Yeah right, I wish

Pack kids lunches, shower and shave
Jacks out of bed, she doesn’t behave
Back to compter, make To-Do list
Now Marley’s up, I’m getting pissed
Finally they’re down and out
I’m getting sleepy, and worn out
11:30 – Get in bed for 30 Rock
Don’t forget to set the clock
Head on pillow, hit the hay
And wake tomorrow for another day.

–WTH

WT-PMS

16 May

Yes, I’m premenstrual and it’s got me thinking. (Men, don’t stop reading – consider this your free education session – you might learn something useful).

Is it not bad enough that we have to deal with getting our period every month?Worse than that, is all the crap that comes along with it – bloating, breast tenderness, food cravings, headaches, less tolerance for noises/lights/people, fatigue, feeling sad and hopeless, mood swings, poor judgement, feeling slow/sluggish/lethargic and loss of sex drive.  I’m not sure which of these would be classified as the worst symptoms to endure but depending on who you ask, each woman would give you a different opinion.  What amazes me, is that most men (and some women) have yet to learn how to deal with a woman with PMS. Having a business partner who’s cycle goes to the extreme(thankfully she’s not PMSing as I write this), I thought I’d share some advice with you.

Here’s a short list of the fun stuff women go through every 23-28 days:

Symptom: Bloating
What SHE might say:  I feel so fat!!! or Does my ass look huge in this?
What you should NOT say: You are looking a little puffy or You might want to put on something else.
Possible result: TEARS

Symptom: Breast Tenderness
What SHE might say: My boobs are killing me
What YOU should NOT say:  Want me to massage them?  (the last thing we want you doing when our boobs hurt is touching them)
Possible Result: SMACK in the Face

Symptom:  Headache
What SHE might say: Honey, I have such a headache or I think I have a brain tumor (it recently took me 3 months to realize that every 3-4 weeks my excruciating headache was linked to my period.  Thankfully, I talked myself out of getting an MRI).
What you should NOT say: Oh, that excuse again.
Definite Result: No Sex

Symptom:  Mood Swings
What SHE might say: The list here is endless.  Basically, anything off beat that she doesn’t normally say that includes a heightened level of drama or emotion.
What YOU should say: Anything you can think of that will make her feel better, less emotional and more secure
What you should NOT say: Anything that will get you in the dog house.  You may just want to stand there and smile sweetly like a Mute.  Bringing home flowers might help too.  Wouldn’t kill you men to do that every once in a while.
Possible Result: Death stare or Stabbing

Symptom:  Lack of Sex Drive
What SHE might say: Get the fuck off of me or Go Fuck YOURSELF
What YOU should say: Ok, I will.  (Then leave the room as quickly as possible.  Grab some lotion and a towel on your way out.)
What you should NOT say: I think we should talk about our lack of a sex life, unless you count the weeks you were reading those 50 Shades books. (Sorry, couldn’t possibly have a post without mentioning it.)
Possible Result:  NO SEX EVER AGAIN

A few other tips and tidbits:

— PMS can last anywhere from 5 – 11 days before the cycle begins – fun fun fun.

— If you’re in an office (or prison cell) with more than 5 women, most cycles will sync to the dominant woman in the office.  Shockingly, that’s not me in my office.  The scientific term for this is Menstrual Synchrony or the McClintock Effect.  (I swear, look it up on wiki).

— Don’t try to have difficult conversations or conversations in general that would fall above a 3 on the difficulty scale, especially if you’re hoping to get your way.  Chances are, she will beat you down and come close to stabbing you if you push her too far.  I’ve actually heard (and I don’t have a true source to reference on this so take it with a grain of salt) that you could use PMS as a defense tactic if you hurt or kill someone during your cycle.  Again, conduct your own research before you consider doing anything rash.

—  Don’t ask for sex, unless you want to lose a limb.  If she wants it, she’ll come to you.  I have heard that some women are more aroused once their period begins but every woman is different so try to find out if this is the case with your significant other.   See previous statement about avoiding difficult conversations.

For my female readers, here are a few tips for dealing with your PMS (keep in mind I do my research on google and have no formal medical degree):
— Go on vacation.  Just kidding.  Nobody wants to be in a bathing suit when their monthly friend is in town.
— Drink plenty of fluids (not soda or caffeine) – helps reduce bloating.  Nobody mentioned avoiding alcohol so feel free to drink as much wine as you like.
— Eat frequent small meals, avoid overeating – this mean you can eat chocolate cookies, chocolate bars or anything containing chocolate about every 3 hours throughout the day
— Take Supplements – Vitamin B6, Calcium and Magnesium.  Tryptophan, found in diary can also help.
— Exercise – Endorphins, Endorphins, Endorphins.  They also make you horney. FYI.

One last note to leave you with: (some of it’s funny and some of it’s stupid)

— WTHayley

Dirty Girls Finish

8 May

As you may know, this past weekend I attended the Tough Mudder at Mount Snow, VT as a spectator.  Here are some of the things I learned…

Still working on a team name.  Here are some ideas:
Dirty Girls Finish
Slippery When Wet
Muddy Bizatches and Beaus
Filthy Milfs
Dirty Dashing Divas
Muddy Princesses
Dirty Mudder Luvers
Muff Tudders
Mud Queens
No Sissies Here
Muddy Daughters
Schmutz Lovers

Feel free to make recommendations in the comments section below.  No need to keep it clean, we certainly wont.

— WTHayley

Getting Drilled

3 May

I’ve just spent my morning getting drilled, injected, poked and having my mouth stuffed with multiple apparatuses.  No, this is not the fourth edition to 50 Shades.  This is the endless torture I have been enduring for the last three months having had two root canals, two new crowns made and a filling replaced.  While my dentist is possibly the nicest man on the planet and not a bad bone in his body, I absolutely despise him.  The torture he’s put me through, all the while making cute little jokes that I can’t laugh at because my mouth is cranked open, his hands are halfway down my throat with an oversized spoon holding my tongue out of the way and I’m upside down with blood rushing to my brain.  It must suck being in a profession that no matter how nice or sweet or funny you are, none of your customers ever want to really see you because they know they are in for a miserable experience.  Sorry Dr. G – get a new gig.

On a lighter note, a few friends and I along with 17,000 people will be heading up to VT tomorrow to ‘spectate’ or possibly set up our own Ab Judging Competition at the New England Tough Mudder.  The latter obviously being much more fun and potentially painless.  Large bellied men that miss the toilet need not apply.  The weekend should be interesting – good weather, athletic people with bruised egos and broken bones and of course lots and lots of parties for Cinco de Mayo – Woohoo.  I hope to have some fun blogging fodder come Monday.. or if you’re lucky, I’ll try blogging and tweeting all weekend.

Stay tuned.  (I most likely wont be sober so please excuse all terseness and typos)

And pleaseeeeeee, move your mouse over to the right and click FOLLOW!!!!  Or follow me on Twitter @hayleybyer but be patient, I truly have no idea how the whole tweeting thing works.  Good thing I’ll be with some social media gurus.

WTHayley

What The Hayley

22 Mar

Welcome to What The Hayley.  I was sitting in the bathroom at work just now and I decided that I need to start a blog.  Why?  Here are my reasons:

1) I have a lot to say and think people might want to hear it

2) I can be pretty funny sometimes

3) One of my new years resolutions for 2012 is ‘to get published’ and here I am (does this count?)

A little about me that you might want to know….
I am a Mother (of 2 gorgeous little girls).  Grew up on the South Shore of Long Island in a beach town with two older brothers – I think this is where I learned to be a cool chick.  I love anything outdoors – biking, hiking, water sports – but my biggest love in life is Skiing (in Utah).  I love my wine, dancing, partying, fun with friends, great food and amazing desserts(key to heart).  I’ve had my own business for 10 years and we’re still standing strong.  I love what I do and find it challenging every single day.  I’m grounded, have incredible family values and embrace all that life has to offer. (I might throw up on myself now)  Enough…. read my blog and you’ll learn more about me.

Before I forget, my funny story of the day is this….
As I mentioned, I was just in the bathroom – literally 3 minutes ago.  It’s an office bathroom shared by my 12 employees and the legal offices across the hall from us.  Every now and then, I’ll have to go so bad that I can’t be bothered to tear off a few strips of paper to line the seat so I’ll just sit.(i know, gross!!)  Within seconds, I’m usually regretting it when I think of the overweight (i’m being nice since this is my first post) guy across the hall that might have put his ass down moments before me.   Today, when I entered the bathroom my ‘I HAVE TO GO’ index was about a 4, leaving plenty of time to line the seat.  (Tangent: Why the FUCK can’t men put the damn seat down.  Thankful that we only have three in the office but I believe that not one of them ever considers it.  I promise to focus on this in a future blog and even conduct interviews from my small sampling of the male species in my office to find out why).  Back to the point…  So as I was lining the seat, I noticed that in front of the bowl was a small puddle of what I have to assume was someone’s ‘MISS’, leading me to ponder how this happens.  Either your stomach is so fat that you can’t see over it, your penis is so small that you have trouble aiming it or you just don’t give a fuck if you hit or miss.  WTH!